Are YOU Victim Stancing?

We have all met them. The world is their enemy-no one understands them and everyone has done them wrong.

Dr. Paula Durlofsky states: “The victim stance is a powerful one—the victim believes he or she is always morally right, is not responsible or accountable for their actions, and is entitled to sympathy from others. Individuals with a victim mentality feel that others are generally luckier or happier then they themselves are. They blame others or institutions for their misfortunes, ascribe unfounded negative intentions to other people, and may even experience pleasure derived from feeling sorry for themselves.”

Does this describe you or someone who you may know who repeatedly says “There are no good women out there (or men), and I’ll never meet anyone?”

I can assure you that there are wonderful people out there. We just need to find and attract them.

Let’s put things in perspective. I truly believe that being an adult is the hardest task on the planet. Not only do we need to be a myriad of things-responsible, kind, inclusive, caring, financially responsible and self-supporting, but we also need to get over things that sometimes seem insurmountable-especially if we are wronged. Emotional hurt or betrayal is the hardest to accept and get over-but we need to make this a conscious choice if we want to find love again.

I don’t know one adult who hasn’t been hurt by a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife. Yet, some of us choose to stand firm in believing that by carrying around this negativity, we will be able to attract a mate.

I’m here to tell you that won’t work. No one wants to be a pseudo therapist on a date or shoulder the ills of your past dating or married life. No one wants to hear about your woes. No one wants that baggage. No one. Not even your friends, family or your parents because we all have our own to deal with. So-how do I move on?

  • Get professional therapy. Worth every minute and every cent that you will invest. It’s hard. But until you understand your role in the demise, your role in your recovery and internalizing that your future can be what YOU make it, you shouldn’t be dating.
  • Go to a support group. Misery loves company and if you hear how others recover, you may glean nuggets of information to help propel you to move on.
  • Do something YOU have always wanted to do. A hobby-a vacation-a class-a road trip. Do SOMETHING.
  • Adjust your mindset to turn lemons into lemonade. It can be done. You have the same power to be happy as you do to be miserable. Just choose happiness. It’s how I got through my divorce, my mourning period and have come to enjoy my own company.

I understand this won’t happen overnight. But by pivoting your mindset and thought processes, it’s a start. And from humble beginnings come great outcomes.

Lori MendelsohnLori Mendelsohn is a matchmaker in the Milwaukee area. Her business is www.smartfunnysingle and she has over a dozen marriages under her belt with one engagement pending. She uses her intuition and knowledge of the human condition to match singles.

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